I hope this is AU...

[hempfandango]

Sometimes, my partner in crime - banesyndrome - and I like to MST. Last night was one such occasion.

Today's offering is the first chapter of some lame AU Sirius/Remus fare where Remus is sold into slavery and raped by Lucius Malfoy. You don't want to miss it.


> Author: WhiteWolfCub
Genre: Drama/Romance
Category: Harry Potter
Warnings: Slash between Sirius/Remus, maybe sex, and swearing.<

Thom: (singing) These are a few of my favorite things!
Tabby: My favourite things are all on fire. :DDDD
Thom: I especially like "Maybe sex". Truly, is there any other kind?
Marshal: Surprise sex?

>Summary: Remus is sold into slavery, forced to be the Black family's servant. Life is not going well, until he finally meets the heir to the family: Sirius Black.<

Alice: How do you get sold into slavery in this day and age?
Thom: The internet?
Marshal: Oh dear. I don't see an AU stamp anywhere.
Tabby: Hogwarts: The Underground.

>Notes: This is a new try, though I have no idea how it will turn out. For those of you how are wondering, I will continue Rarity of the Breed, but I couldn't resist! Anyway, I hope I get plenty of reviews for this one. <

Marshal: At least she's honest.
Alice: Remember, if you want your kittens back alive, you'll review.
Tabby: OH GOD, ROSENCRANTZ?!?!?!??!?!?!

>On with the story!

---Chapter One---

"Leave me alone! Remus screamed, kicking and fighting against the people that held him, all of them much stronger than him.<

Marshal: Time for some surprise sex.
Thom: That's not what you said last night.
Thom: Wait, what?
Marshal: I think you were trying to imply that we have sex. Which everyone already knows.
Tabby: Thanks to my hard hitting journalism.
Alice: I thought I was having sex with Marshal, but Tabby set me straight.
Tabby: No need to thank me. That's why I got into this biz: to show people how wrong they are.

>To his horror they were taking him to where an old fashioned car waited, the driver waiting patiently.

Alice: My God! Remus is being kidnapped by the Shriners!
Alice:...and sold into slavery.
Thom: There's a lot you don't know about how they fund their circuses, Alice.
Tabby: What a scoop! Quick, call my photographer!
Thom: And you don't need to know, either. For the good of the motherland.
Marshal: What does all of this have to do with Hogwarts?
Alice: Haven't you read Hogwarts, A History? Gay sex and slavery are grand Hogwartsian traditions.
Tabby: It's true. How else would James know how to see Snape's underwear?
Marshal: Stop... stop ruining that book for me.

>"Mom, dad! Help! Make them stop!" Remus screamed, looking back at where his parents stood on the front porch, watching them with peculiar looks on their faces. His mother shook her head, going back inside. His father waved good bye, almost in a mocking manner, and followed his wife.

Marshal: Gee, thanks dad.
Thom: I know when my parents sold ME into slavery, they had the decency to pretend they were sad.
Tabby: "Thanks for the laughs, son! See you in hell!"

>Remus sobbed, slumping against the man carrying him. Why would they do this to him? He was their son, and he had a feeling that they were taking him to a-not-so-nice place.

Thom: A cheese factory in Madison, Wisconsin? Luxembourg? THE ICE CAPADES???
Tabby: No, Remus, you're being recruited for the VFD!
Marshal: I know when I was kidnapped and sold into slavery, they took me to Disney Land.

>The man holding him smirked down at him, brushing some of the tears away. "Don't worry kiddo! Your new life will suit a boy like you perfectly!" He laughed, getting in the car and setting the sobbing boy down next to him, another man getting in on the other side.

Alice: Is he going to star in the off-Broadway revival of You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown?
Thom: I shudder at the thought.
Marshal: I guess these are the heartless, evil brand of slave sellers, as opposed to the sweet and cuddly kind.

>He was only fifteen, what did they want with him? Not to mention he wasn't very athletic either, but he was strong that was a definite fact.

Marshal: Yes, he'd make a great slave! Wait, what?
Thom: He's 15? Shouldn't he be smoking pot and screwing his best friend's sister instead of being sold into slavery?
Marshal: That comes later.
Thom: Hooray!

>Remus let his bangs drop over his eyes, only looking up briefly when the car started up and went down the street, rumbling along.

Remus looked back at his home, suddenly an unwanted wave of anger hitting him. The young boy turned back, trying to ignore everything around him.

"This is going to be fun kid," the man on his right teased. Remus ignored him, though a thought crossed his mind: So much fun bastard.<

Alice: Most kidnappers spend most of their time shouting thinly veiled evil innuendos at their kidnappees.
Tabby: I get the impression they're evil.
Thom: Dialogue by Jack Chick.
Marshal: Quick, Remus! Yell at him!
Thom: Pound on the trunk!

>Sirius Black sat back in his chair, inhaling deep breaths out of frustration.

Alice: I heard frustration can cause lung cancer.
Tabby: That's not all he was inhaling. OH I JUST WENT THERE.

>He had just gotten done chasing his blasted brother all through the castle because the little brat stole his journal. Sirius usually didn't write in it, but he did when his parents and him got in a serious row, but that wasn't too often. Usually James came to save the day, but still<

Thom: I think Sirius needs a little pick me up only gay sex with a slave can provide.
Marshal: Aww, Sirius is emo. What a surprise.
Tabby: SOCIETY JUST DOESN'T GET HIM.
Alice: "Dear journal, today I wondered if trees cry."

>Apparently after his father had caught him, the man had told him that they would be getting a new batch of servants. Needless to say, he was not as pleased as his mother and father would have wanted but he kept a strait face and told them it was fine. His birthday was just two days ago, and he was now sixteen years old, old enough to have a personal servant instead of the ones that worked around the castle in general.<

Thom: Hey, I got my own personal sex slave at 16 too! This story is like...my life.
Marshal: I thought the story of your life was "Cash" by Johnny Cash.
Tabby: All I got when I turned sixteen was a ancient, ungodly tome of unspeakable evil. And some Funyons.
Alice: I got herpes. And a car! :D

>Getting back to his room, he started to huff and puff like a spoiled child. That was where he was now, sitting on his bed with his arms crossed, acting the way Regulus did after he lost a fight with Sirius. And that was how James found him.

"Sirius, don't be like that, maybe after you get one you can become friends with her," James said, patting his friend on the back. Sirius looked up at him.<
Tabby: "Who are you again?"
Marshal: "Maybe you'll finally kiss a human girl."
Alice: "Try to look at the bright sides of human slavery, ya wimp!"

>"Who said I wanted a girl to be my slave?" Sirius asked, looking at James as though he had never seen anything like him.

Thom: AH! A MUTANT!
Tabby: "I'm gay, duh!"

>"I don't know," James replied thoughtfully, "I know you're gay Sirius, but we wouldn't your parents finding out. Maybe getting a male is too risky."

Thom: James really is a great friend. Always concerned with how Sirius' slave choices could affect his life.
Tabby: "Maybe trying to grope me in the dinning room was risky too."

>That's right; Sirius Black was the most known gay in the entire village, though no one in his family knew about that. He intended it that way. Sirius looked back at James, taking a big sigh and sitting down on the bed. "James, get my night clothes, I think I want to go to bed," he said yawning. James nodded, after all, he was a servant in the castle, and even if Sirius was his best friend he had to obey him.<

Thom: This fic, on so many levels, is wrong...and kinda hot.
Tabby: "James, smear yourself with honey and lie prostate on the floor."
Marshal: No, really. What does this have to do with Hogwarts?
Alice: Shhh.

>"Here," James whispered, setting the clothes down next to the boy and walking out, "sleep well...prince." He said with a snicker. Sirius looked at him with a smirk.

"You know it!" But James had already shut the door.<

Thom: "You know it!" Good one!
Tabby: "Get back here! I'm not done quipping!"

>Remus rocked softly with the movements of the boat, apparently he was not informed that he was being sold over seas. The young boy was shivering, from the cold or the fear he couldn't tell anymore, he just didn't care. Remus sniffled, wiping his eyes stubbornly, refusing to cry. The ship gave another violent jolt, sending the young boy flying onto his side.<

Thom: Ha ha ha, it's so wrong, and yet so hilarious.
Tabby: The boat's totally going to rape Remus.
Marshal: Alright, I'm confused. Why do we have mentions of villages, princes and human slavery but also cars? When does this take place?
Alice: And overseas? Is he being taken to Belize?
Marshal: And where's the magic? You know, the whole premise of Harry Potter?
Thom: In our hearts?

>"Having trouble young boy?" a voice asked mockingly from the doorway, making Remus turn slowly. Remus was still shaking, trying to pick himself up off of the floor, but the rocking made all the more difficult. He stopped when his chain - connecting to his foot - was pulled towards the newcomer, announcing anything from good.

"Poor boy, I don't think we had the pleasure of meeting yet," the man, maybe only about eighteen, said, "I am Lucius Malfoy, the owner of this little boat you are now on." Remus stood still, not testing any movements.<

Marshal: "I wonder if my arms still work? Better not risk finding out."
Thom: Hm, did I own a boat when I was 18? All I remember was a lot of cocaine and Guns N Roses, so I guess it's possible.
Tabby: Wait, you're Lucius Malfoy? omg it makes sense
Tabby: Wait.
Tabby: No it doesn't. Not even a little bit.
Thom: I'm but an open book.
Marshal: I thought you were the lovable man slut.
Thom: I'm that too.

>"After all these years, helping my father with this business and getting the job I have never met anyone as pretty as you," Lucius purred, stepping closer now, "but because you are on my boat, I am entitled to anything, Remus. Including you." Remus felt all the bones in his body freeze up at that moment, fear etching its way into his system.<

Tabby: WHERE EVER CAN THIS BE HEADING?
Marshal: Surprise sex!
Alice: So when I ride the bus to work, is the Mayor entitled to rape me?
Tabby: I think so.
Marshal: Only if you've been sold into slavery. Are you a slave, Alice?
Alice: Maybe, I haven't checked in a while.

>"That means, for the rest of this boat ride, you and I are going to be having a lot of fun together."

Remus froze, if this is what his life was going to be like he would rather be dead. Too bad that is not an option. Only when Lucius pinned him underneath did he scream...although he knew no one would help.<

Tabby: Lucius a rapist?!?!?! I didn't see that one coming!
Marshal: Why would the Malfoys be involved with human slavery? Wouldn't house elves be more their style?
Alice: Since fanfic authors rarely care about characterization, can't he be a gardener or something?
Tabby: Lucius Malfoy IS The Constant Gardener

>---TBC---

Uncear beginning I know, but it is supposed to be like that. Review!<

Thom: Uh, what was unclear about that?
Thom: HAY LOOK GUYS RAPE
Marshal: Maybe they just played Twister.
Tabby: AGAINST HIS WILL.
Alice: Does anybody really play Twister willingly? Be honest.

Comments

[drachenfach.livejournal.com]

*is half dead from giggling*

I came across 'The Badger brigade' in the antidotes section on GAFF.

Hope you don't mind me friending you- your fiction and your sporking are both equally chuckleworthy

[hempfandango.livejournal.com]

Oooh a GAFFer.

Of course I don't mind. Friend away! :)